About a year and a half ago I wrote a blog post about trusting in the universe. At that time I really gave it all, I had faith and trust in that the universe was working towards my higher good. I surrendered and everything that I wanted to happen, I attracted. Now through this, it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Things didn’t just happen so easily. There were absolutely moments of doubt that crept in and hard moments, but nothing like what I’ve been facing recently. Different lessons appear to us in moments when we need them, I’m sure of that.
One of the hardest things I have had to realize is that I didn’t trust myself. I had lost faith and trust in myself, my dreams and my abilities. I had lost sight of how far I have truly come and that nothing happens over night, which I always use to have faith in. I wasn’t rushing myself, But everyone else was projecting the need to have my craft perfected already onto me. Ideals and things that I’m not were projected onto me, from everyone else but myself. From the outside looking in, you may think that I do in fact have it all together, that I’m not struggling, that I have a plan that’s working out. Quite frankly none of that is true and you only get a glimpse into someones life, of course I would rather spread more positive happy things, it keeps me going. When covid hit, it kind of started this downward spiral of things I needed to work on, dreams almost ceasing to exist, doubt of myself, being overly self critical and just wanting to be loved. Since the beginning of this year I’ve made it my mission to break out of this fear. To release anything holding me back and fear of being disliked. Fear of failing and this weird fear of just being myself. Going back to what I said earlier about nothing just happens overnight, this is exactly that and knowing that you’re working through it is enough and you have to know that. Whatever you’re trying to work through is yours and only yours to work through. Don’t let anyone rush that. Time is yours. It takes courage to be able to work through these things. It takes courage to build trust back within yourself and to know that you’re doing enough, just by being you.
I’m definitely emotional writing this and it’s pulling from a place in my heart that has been hurting for a while now. I feel this constant need to please everyone around me and always answer the phone and always be there for everyone else, when In reality I haven’t been showing up for myself. I haven’t been putting my dreams and visions at the forefront of my mind. I’ve been putting everyone else’s. Something else that I’d like to touch on as well is that it’s okay to care and be there for the people in your life, but not when it’s at your own expense. I’m someone who will sacrifice everything for the people I love and will go the distance and while that’s not a bad thing, I want to stress that It’s not a bad thing, you deserve to give the people in your life this type of love. But, remember not to let yourself drown in doing so.
I’ve wanted this grand picture for my life for the longest time and I’m slowly realizing now that those things weren’t what I wanted, they were things and ideals other people wanted for me. I’m learning now who I truly am and what I want my life to be filled with. Let me tell you this, you can have these realizations in life. You can grow and experience life and realize that certain things you once wanted aren’t your life anymore. That doesn’t mean you don’t still love and enjoy them, it just means you’re evolving into who you’re really suppose to be. You don’t realize it but, in hindsight you’re unlearning everything that isn’t yours, but what’s being placed upon you. You’re learning and stepping into this new version of you that is what you believe and what you’re learning, the things and life that YOU want for yourself and no-one else. It scares the shit out of me saying that and I feel like I’m at this crossroads in life where I have a decision to make and I’m scared as hell for what the future holds.
Something that I’d also like to touch on in this day and age is being taken advantage of. This coincides with trusting in yourself because I’ve experience it a lot over the last couple years. I have been in situations where I’ve been talked down to, like I don’t know what I’m doing. Being talked down to because I’m a woman. Now, these things might seem like I’m being sensitive but when you give criticism that isn’t constructive to me in a constructive way that isn’t condescending, you’re talking down to me. Being taken advantage of with money in this music industry too, because “I’m a woman” is something that quite frankly is making me scream inside. I love music and I love making it and writing it with all my heart, but what I do not stand for is how women are treated in this industry. For the longest time I didn’t let it get to me, I thought that I was stronger than that. It’s not a matter of being strong and it’s not a weakness either. But I don’t stand for being treated the way that I’ve been treated. I do not stand for trying to figure out the “Right” way of doing things, when it’s a GIANT GAME, I’m just a player. I do not stand for the fact that it is treated like a “GAME”. I don’t stand for being scrutinized by people I’ve worked with. I don’t stand for dishonesty and people that are not genuine. Throughout this journey I hadn’t trusted myself, I hadn’t trusted my intuition and what it was trying to tell me. I put my faith and trust in the wrong people and in the end, only making me trust myself less.
To wrap this up, know that you aren’t alone. Know that you are the most important thing to focus on. Don’t judge yourself when you question it all, when you doubt your beliefs, your devotion, your entire existence. Know that you are enough just as you are, where you are. Be patient with yourself. Trust in Devine Timing and trust in your Devine self. Stay hopeful. Love and light.